It starts

The effort put into remaining patient for fall has proved beneficial for now in my hours of desired escape from pathophysiology my thoughts find solace in all the little things that allow me to say, "So long summer!" It would only then be a perfect world if our autumn season copied upstate New York and then stuck around all through November, allotting "winter" only to December and January. Then I want spring in February. Spring all the way through May. But since I cannot change the seasons I'll revel in what is already here. :) It's not that I'm under the delusion that it's here (forecast is still over 100) but I can now no longer feel guilty when making plans of creating an autumn world since the weather change is "around the corner."

My family is rallying together to redo the outdated dining room and living room for my mom as her Christmas present and it takes all my self discipline to keep my thoughts from picturing its future beauty when diseases and ailments are calling to me from the worst text book I ever attempted to read. Sunday we will include her in on the plans and I cannot wait to start picking out paint with her! Out will come the daytime running schedule (the heat turns us into nocturnal exercisers) and out will come the melancholy music to soundtrack our artistic efforts exerted on our house of 20 years.

In attempting to escape monotony that school and work often inflict I asked mom if I could get a kitten. She said, "Absolutely not." Darn. There goes my last attempt at a new pet. I threatened to move out. ...At 23 I think that threat starts to lose its potency. Darn!
So off I went to seek advice where it was received from my sister. Art seems a beautiful outlet that we shall once again pursue. What a wonderful way to turn off my school infested mind.
Speaking of which, I now must return to.
Enjoy James Newton Howard :) He's the best.

Have you heard of this guy? His pictures are unbelievably gorgeous!

Sigh no more

So you've been wronged or got the fuzzy end of the loli-pop (well said, Marilyn). So the attack came from what you thought was the safety zone. There is only one reason to rise above the disappointments that life gives and I will point you to that. Never mind the particulars. What do you or I care of those? All we can agree on is that they seem to come in relentless waves of attack. It takes a couple days for me to sort through the facts and know that it is satan who is attacking and using simple and subtle pains to mask his identity. But take a lesson from my cousin's tactic, "I know it's a lie if I say the absurd, 'I'm afraid of failure.' and it hits home in my heart." Part of the blow is him telling you the lie and you shrugging it off because, through your logic, it sounds ridiculous and you know it isn't true. Yet it still plagues you because you never give it to God because you never acknowledge it for what it is.
I find my own believed lie to be that I am too sensitive or that surely something must be wrong with me. Maybe. Perhaps I am. But that doesn't make it go away. It still hurts. I could reason every hour of every day about why it bothers me but, we will still find ourselves at the core of the issue: our hearts were not made for this foreign place, apart from the ever comforting and humbling full, unveiled presence of our God. In the end it has nothing to do with who did what, instead I can only be honest with my Lord and say, "I cannot expect eternal content from a fickle and hurting world. You are the only one to bring me full and confident peace."
It's a desperate yet brave battle tactic; to put aside all human reason and run to the arms that hold the most basic truth that appears to hold no relation to the situation at hand. Salvation. The cross. What He did. But oh, it applies every single time. Are we willing to look the part of a fool or an extremist for the sake of just catching that much more of a glimpse of His face? If we do wrong then may the Lord correct us and make us moldable in what we strive for. But if it is right, then let His truth be the only assurance we need. We're brought up in a world that legitimizes everything in numbers, despite the fad of "going against the crowd" it is still won over by majority ruling. But God does not work that way. He works in consistency. He never changes, He sees His work through to the end and out, so we can always recognize Him.
There is a fine balance between seeking justice and giving forgiveness and every time I think I finally have it I'm at its cross roads again. You want God to comfort you  when you know you've been wronged so justice can be brought about and you can forgive. Oh but the same God is on their team too and what you end up dealing with is another person with hurts like yours. Maybe God will take your side? Haha! Ah an honest hope. But if they are subject to God's correction then so are you. So here is the simple truth that brings peace:

"I do not have time to maintain these regrets when I think about the way that He loves us." Who cares if you lose the whole world but gain Him? What is the prize? Seek His face. And in so doing you will find that His blood has covered everything and that everything will be dealt with at the right time. Until then, you get to spend time with the Creator.

I still struggle and though the Lord gives His truth it really is up to us if we are going to follow Him into that peace. And one of the main reasons I post this is to share this well known song who's truth has really comforted me. He will never disappoint, never abandon and never betray. And that truth and who He is is enough to keep bitterness out of your heart, to leave you free to move on in His will and to give you wisdom on how to handle life's disappointments. Technically it isn't a quick fix, but it's better. It is redemption. 

Obsessed

My ears are obsessed... it is so heart wrenchingly beautiful.

Time

On a side note: Today my little 3 yr old cousin introduced himself as batman...if I had known this option was available for myself in meeting people or announcing my presence...well I certainly wouldn't be afraid of crowds then.

5 reasons to be patient for fall

It is mid August, my favorite month. The cicadas make the heat audible, the bordering massive cumulus clouds offer the teasing illusion of relief from being blinded (they never seem to actually make it to the valley). My skin is also more than happy with being able to breathe instead of being smothered by layers of clothes that are not doing their job in keeping me warm. Ah yes, summer is sill here, keeping its promise of all the ambiance that I miss and look forward to 5 months out of the year. So you will understand that I am thouroughly frustrated with myself that we have till late October before our temperature changes and my poor self is nearly driven mad right now with my eagerness for it to be fall. It's retarded really.
Yet here I am wanting to shop for winter clothes, light fall candles and bake pumpkin pies. So to slow the heck down and live in the moment that God gave us I've applied my thoughts to these things to savor in these last days of unbearable heat.

•  Monsoon rain, oddly placed, beckons you out under its showers and storms instead of threatening your precious heat inside on a dreary rainy cold afternoon. Releasing the smell of asphalt and creosote, summer rain is the most welcomed visitor that we have.  You would gladly give a day to chase those storm clouds despite their warning calls of rolling thunder and lightening storms threatening calm. This is the time of year to escape the city. This is the time of year that you can watch the sky at night without the weather chasing you inside.

• To hide from the sun rather than hide from the cold is my only preferred version of hide and seek. In this version you are clad in simple comfortable cotton and bare feet. Too hot? Simply find a fan or water and say hello to instant relief. Air conditioning takes less time to cool down than it does for the heater to warm up. Watermelon, blueberries and grilling are the seasonal food that I crave year round.   

•   Believe it or not I love owning bragging rights for these little buggers. They're a welcome site because they mean no crickets and no cockroaches (even though winter brings the absence of all creatures). Also, you will learn a lot about my mother's personality with them around. Her desire to loop her family into her encounters with these scorpions are gradually rising to new levels. How she managed to kill this scorpion by keeping it in such mint condition is beyond me. If you are ever a guest in our house in summer time...beware...you may find one of these, carefully placed in a plastic bag and stowed away in your luggage as a "thank you for visiting 'surprise'" from mom. 

PS: The "him" mentioned in the note is Ender, not the scorpion. Though I wouldn't put it past mom to have the next level be apparel for the scorpions.

• Probably one of the best things about summer, very simply, is that you don't have to prepare yourself for running away with all your belongings when you simply leave the house. No jacket, no stuffing jeans into boots, no scarfs or frustration at finding that all your winter over clothes are fashioned after a hobo. Just a t-shirt, jeans, grab your bag, slip into some flip flops and run out the door. 

• And finally...Going to the store without the impending feeling of doom at becoming broke over holiday expenditures.

(3D glasses for 3D cards of Avatar are amazing. Even more so are the glasses' ability at making the whole world 3D)

Yep. That should hold me over for the next month or so.

• Classes start Monday! :)
• Reading "The Troubled Heart of Africa"
• Looking forward to fall 
• Looking forward to possible cousin reunions in the winter
• SO eager for season 6 of Psych!

Bronte > Austen

I'm sold. My heart has gladly taken up the company of the Bronte sisters.

I have just finished reading Wuthering Heights and I am fully satisfied  (aside from the cousin relations, that's just a weird old english custom they had going on then that I can't seem to get over). But yes. Fully satisfied. The story does not leave you hanging or even wanting more or less. I cannot express more because I cannot find the words that will suffice

I went to see Tennessee

Cades Cove, TN

Check it off my list I made it to a new state! Tennessee, you have been visited. I have just returned home from a much needed father's side family reunion and distance has not been kind enough to spare me the slight depression over the week of late night movie viewings and talks being done. I guess life goes on, and no, dear self, the pain of tasting happiness and having to return to monotony is not a good enough excuse to forego the goodness altogether. Pain is good. It's growing. Because the goodness was worth it. I reconnected with some awesome cousins (one a surprise that I last saw about 8 years ago), aunts, uncles and grandparents, visited a cave with an underground lake, went white water river rafting (and didn't fall out, despite the bets that were stacked against me), explored history at Cades Cove, sat frequently on the back porch, saw a couple new movies and laughed and joked every hour I was awake. Oh how good to the soul it was. But as always, reunions tend to be bitter sweet. As my aunts and grandma have wisely stated, "You never have enough to time to say, talk about or express all that you want to." In this particular case I am thankful it was bittersweet because for me it means God came through for me.

He answers. He answers the questions you needed to ask but didn't, and He answers the questions that you rightly asked. Don't let your heart be troubled. Let Him give it peace.

Before Tennessee I had been kept awake for nights with anxiety over the fact that the lack of an "end" in eternity was nerve racking to me. And when eternity is not a safe place for your mind to dwell than here on earth is shaken at the core. But my God said, "Give it to Me. Tell Me what troubles you and ask Me to right it." So I did. I was preparing to go to a family reunion, rather impromptu on my side, and I figured that He could remind me of the longed for "never needing to say goodbye" that I learned after bible school ended. Well, He did it. True, stories do need an end to have a purpose and it's difficult to imagine what happens when strife ends (which makes eternity so foreign), but what He reminded me of is that there are some things that are so sweet, so good, that you never get sick of it. Some things, that if given an end, would crush you. And the only reason that saying goodbye here on earth doesn't crush us is because we have a hope for after and that these earthly goodbyes are only for a time.

 I came home, once more looking forward to eternity and, as my cousin Josiah put it, "the never ending family reunion where we don't have to say goodbye." 

Being oh so cool

A few of the cousins that were there.

Blury I know. But it's a precious moment of our grandparents praying a blessing of spiritual legacy and zeal over their grandchildren (present and absent).

Alright, desert blog. Now it comes to it. Along with you, I have been kept in anticipation about what God will bring for us this fall, and like you my hope for a life being lived fully in that season is ever present. The question about what school to choose has been a catalyst for God's and my relationship, giving me a good kick in the pants to mature at an unbelievable rate and then experience some pains. Here's the thing. Even after months of praying and weeks of fasting, my God did not appear in the way that I wanted Him to. As always, instead of answering the question I asked He has answered the question that I SHOULD have asked. By the end of the couple months of searching I have come to see more of Him and less of what my life would look like. Rightly so. Because I'd rather have knowledge of a God who is an intimate, patient, powerful yet gentle God, eager to draw near and answer and lead, rather than images of my insecure and incompetent self doing something that is worthless on my own strength. The result of such a lesson? I feel myself safely falling in love with Him. I say safe because He is so fulfilling and faithful and I don't have to check with my logic to make sure whether or not it's going to be a "good" thing to let my heart go with Him. Because we all know with Him is where our hearts were created to be. It's proved a blessing and I can't thank Him enough for it for the peace and purpose it gives. He is faithful so in return it is beneficial for us to remain faithful to Him and the prayers that we started to pray. Walk the road with Him and ask to see that road the way He sees it and make Him your purpose, love and reason for living. It leads to epic victory. 

So His leading? I'm happy with it :) I have peace in giving up ultrasound and keeping my attention on becoming an RN. The job, for me, will be the more challenging of the two, but I look forward to my character being pushed to grow and adapt. I am also staying with the school I started out with and this fall will be spent adding a few more pre-reqs to the list so I can get my BSN and not just an Associates at the end of the next 3 years. I'm anxious to get back into studying, I've missed it terribly. I will also look into possibly getting over to Kerala, India this upcoming spring. And also, Lord willing, I hope to see some of my Toth cousins before the year is up to brighten my world of school and work. So that is the plan that is at the mercy of God and His good will. I look forward to adding more adventures, more lessons and more growth this next semester. Taking it a day at a time. And speaking of today, I have to go mail some promised Flaming Hot Limon Cheetos and Fuego Takis to my recently left cousins. So off I must go to create my treasure and send it off.