Obsessed

My ears are obsessed... it is so heart wrenchingly beautiful.

Time

On a side note: Today my little 3 yr old cousin introduced himself as batman...if I had known this option was available for myself in meeting people or announcing my presence...well I certainly wouldn't be afraid of crowds then.

5 reasons to be patient for fall

It is mid August, my favorite month. The cicadas make the heat audible, the bordering massive cumulus clouds offer the teasing illusion of relief from being blinded (they never seem to actually make it to the valley). My skin is also more than happy with being able to breathe instead of being smothered by layers of clothes that are not doing their job in keeping me warm. Ah yes, summer is sill here, keeping its promise of all the ambiance that I miss and look forward to 5 months out of the year. So you will understand that I am thouroughly frustrated with myself that we have till late October before our temperature changes and my poor self is nearly driven mad right now with my eagerness for it to be fall. It's retarded really.
Yet here I am wanting to shop for winter clothes, light fall candles and bake pumpkin pies. So to slow the heck down and live in the moment that God gave us I've applied my thoughts to these things to savor in these last days of unbearable heat.

•  Monsoon rain, oddly placed, beckons you out under its showers and storms instead of threatening your precious heat inside on a dreary rainy cold afternoon. Releasing the smell of asphalt and creosote, summer rain is the most welcomed visitor that we have.  You would gladly give a day to chase those storm clouds despite their warning calls of rolling thunder and lightening storms threatening calm. This is the time of year to escape the city. This is the time of year that you can watch the sky at night without the weather chasing you inside.

• To hide from the sun rather than hide from the cold is my only preferred version of hide and seek. In this version you are clad in simple comfortable cotton and bare feet. Too hot? Simply find a fan or water and say hello to instant relief. Air conditioning takes less time to cool down than it does for the heater to warm up. Watermelon, blueberries and grilling are the seasonal food that I crave year round.   

•   Believe it or not I love owning bragging rights for these little buggers. They're a welcome site because they mean no crickets and no cockroaches (even though winter brings the absence of all creatures). Also, you will learn a lot about my mother's personality with them around. Her desire to loop her family into her encounters with these scorpions are gradually rising to new levels. How she managed to kill this scorpion by keeping it in such mint condition is beyond me. If you are ever a guest in our house in summer time...beware...you may find one of these, carefully placed in a plastic bag and stowed away in your luggage as a "thank you for visiting 'surprise'" from mom. 

PS: The "him" mentioned in the note is Ender, not the scorpion. Though I wouldn't put it past mom to have the next level be apparel for the scorpions.

• Probably one of the best things about summer, very simply, is that you don't have to prepare yourself for running away with all your belongings when you simply leave the house. No jacket, no stuffing jeans into boots, no scarfs or frustration at finding that all your winter over clothes are fashioned after a hobo. Just a t-shirt, jeans, grab your bag, slip into some flip flops and run out the door. 

• And finally...Going to the store without the impending feeling of doom at becoming broke over holiday expenditures.

(3D glasses for 3D cards of Avatar are amazing. Even more so are the glasses' ability at making the whole world 3D)

Yep. That should hold me over for the next month or so.

• Classes start Monday! :)
• Reading "The Troubled Heart of Africa"
• Looking forward to fall 
• Looking forward to possible cousin reunions in the winter
• SO eager for season 6 of Psych!

Bronte > Austen

I'm sold. My heart has gladly taken up the company of the Bronte sisters.

I have just finished reading Wuthering Heights and I am fully satisfied  (aside from the cousin relations, that's just a weird old english custom they had going on then that I can't seem to get over). But yes. Fully satisfied. The story does not leave you hanging or even wanting more or less. I cannot express more because I cannot find the words that will suffice

I went to see Tennessee

Cades Cove, TN

Check it off my list I made it to a new state! Tennessee, you have been visited. I have just returned home from a much needed father's side family reunion and distance has not been kind enough to spare me the slight depression over the week of late night movie viewings and talks being done. I guess life goes on, and no, dear self, the pain of tasting happiness and having to return to monotony is not a good enough excuse to forego the goodness altogether. Pain is good. It's growing. Because the goodness was worth it. I reconnected with some awesome cousins (one a surprise that I last saw about 8 years ago), aunts, uncles and grandparents, visited a cave with an underground lake, went white water river rafting (and didn't fall out, despite the bets that were stacked against me), explored history at Cades Cove, sat frequently on the back porch, saw a couple new movies and laughed and joked every hour I was awake. Oh how good to the soul it was. But as always, reunions tend to be bitter sweet. As my aunts and grandma have wisely stated, "You never have enough to time to say, talk about or express all that you want to." In this particular case I am thankful it was bittersweet because for me it means God came through for me.

He answers. He answers the questions you needed to ask but didn't, and He answers the questions that you rightly asked. Don't let your heart be troubled. Let Him give it peace.

Before Tennessee I had been kept awake for nights with anxiety over the fact that the lack of an "end" in eternity was nerve racking to me. And when eternity is not a safe place for your mind to dwell than here on earth is shaken at the core. But my God said, "Give it to Me. Tell Me what troubles you and ask Me to right it." So I did. I was preparing to go to a family reunion, rather impromptu on my side, and I figured that He could remind me of the longed for "never needing to say goodbye" that I learned after bible school ended. Well, He did it. True, stories do need an end to have a purpose and it's difficult to imagine what happens when strife ends (which makes eternity so foreign), but what He reminded me of is that there are some things that are so sweet, so good, that you never get sick of it. Some things, that if given an end, would crush you. And the only reason that saying goodbye here on earth doesn't crush us is because we have a hope for after and that these earthly goodbyes are only for a time.

 I came home, once more looking forward to eternity and, as my cousin Josiah put it, "the never ending family reunion where we don't have to say goodbye." 

Being oh so cool

A few of the cousins that were there.

Blury I know. But it's a precious moment of our grandparents praying a blessing of spiritual legacy and zeal over their grandchildren (present and absent).

Alright, desert blog. Now it comes to it. Along with you, I have been kept in anticipation about what God will bring for us this fall, and like you my hope for a life being lived fully in that season is ever present. The question about what school to choose has been a catalyst for God's and my relationship, giving me a good kick in the pants to mature at an unbelievable rate and then experience some pains. Here's the thing. Even after months of praying and weeks of fasting, my God did not appear in the way that I wanted Him to. As always, instead of answering the question I asked He has answered the question that I SHOULD have asked. By the end of the couple months of searching I have come to see more of Him and less of what my life would look like. Rightly so. Because I'd rather have knowledge of a God who is an intimate, patient, powerful yet gentle God, eager to draw near and answer and lead, rather than images of my insecure and incompetent self doing something that is worthless on my own strength. The result of such a lesson? I feel myself safely falling in love with Him. I say safe because He is so fulfilling and faithful and I don't have to check with my logic to make sure whether or not it's going to be a "good" thing to let my heart go with Him. Because we all know with Him is where our hearts were created to be. It's proved a blessing and I can't thank Him enough for it for the peace and purpose it gives. He is faithful so in return it is beneficial for us to remain faithful to Him and the prayers that we started to pray. Walk the road with Him and ask to see that road the way He sees it and make Him your purpose, love and reason for living. It leads to epic victory. 

So His leading? I'm happy with it :) I have peace in giving up ultrasound and keeping my attention on becoming an RN. The job, for me, will be the more challenging of the two, but I look forward to my character being pushed to grow and adapt. I am also staying with the school I started out with and this fall will be spent adding a few more pre-reqs to the list so I can get my BSN and not just an Associates at the end of the next 3 years. I'm anxious to get back into studying, I've missed it terribly. I will also look into possibly getting over to Kerala, India this upcoming spring. And also, Lord willing, I hope to see some of my Toth cousins before the year is up to brighten my world of school and work. So that is the plan that is at the mercy of God and His good will. I look forward to adding more adventures, more lessons and more growth this next semester. Taking it a day at a time. And speaking of today, I have to go mail some promised Flaming Hot Limon Cheetos and Fuego Takis to my recently left cousins. So off I must go to create my treasure and send it off.

Ch. 19 Exerpt of Jane Eyre

Mr. Rochester, under disguise of a gypsy woman, tells Jane her fortune:

"Your fortune is yet doubtful: when I examined your face, one trait contradicted another. Chance has meted you a measure of happiness: that I know. I knew it before I came here this evening. She has laid it carefully on one side for you. I saw her do it. It depends on yourself to stretch out your hand, and take it up: but whether you will do so, is the problem I study. Kneel again on the rug."

"Don't keep me long; the fire scorches me."

I knelt. She did not stoop towards me, but only gazed, leaning back in her chair. She began muttering,-

"The flame flickers in the eye; the eye shines like dew; it looks soft and full of feeling; it smiles at my jargon: it is susceptible; impression follows impression through its clear sphere; where it ceases to smile, it is sad; an unconscious lassitude weighs on the lid: that signifies melancholy resulting from loneliness. It turns from me; it will not suffer farther scrutiny; it seems to deny by a mocking glance, the truth of the discoveries I have already made, -to disown the charge both of sensibility and chagrin: its pride and reserve only confirm me of my opinion. The eye is favorable.

"As to the mouth, it delights at times in laughter; it is disposed to impart all that the brain conceives; though I daresay it would be silent on much the heart experiences. Mobile and flexible, it was never intended to be compressed in the eternal silence of solitude: it is a mouth which should speak much and smile often, and have human affection for its interlocutor. That feature too is propitious.

"I see no enemy to a fortunate issue but in the brow; and that brow professes to say, - 'I can live alone, if self-respect and circumstances require me so to do. I need not sell my soul to buy bliss. I have an inward treasure, born with me, which can keep me alive if all extraneous delights should be withheld; or offered only at a price I cannot afford to give.' The forehead declares, 'Reason sits firm and holds the reins, and she will not let the feelings burst away and hurry her to wild chasms. The passions may rage furiously, like true heathens, as they are; and the desires may imagine all sorts of vain things: but judgement shall still have the last word in every argument, and the casting vote in every decision. Strong wind, earthquake-shock, and fire may pass by: but I shall follow the guiding of that still small voice which interprets the dictates of conscience.'

"Well said, forehead; your declaration shall be respected. I have formed my plans - right plans I deem them-and in them I have attended to the claims of conscience, the counsels of reason. I know how soon youth would fade and bloom perish, if, in the cup of bliss offered, but on dreg of shame, or one flavour of remorse were detected; and I do not want sacrifice, sorrow, dissolution - such is not my taste. I wish to foster, not to blight - to earn gratitude, not to wring tears of blood - no, nor of brine: my harvest must be in smiles in endearments, in sweet - That will do. I think I rave in a kind of exquisite delirium. I should wish now to protract this moment ad infinitum; but I dare not. So far I have governed myself thoroughly. I have acted as I inwardly swore I would act; but farther might try me beyond my strength. Rise, Miss Eyre: leave me; 'the play is played out.'"

A Miss Eyre

How can I dedicate a post to Swiss Family Robinson (a book I loved till it doubled in length and improbability) when such a book as Jane Eyre now joins my "finished reading" list. My only regret? That I had gone through it so quickly. If you could only see the hard copy of my book you would see how many pages are folded over, indicating where my favorite quotes lay hidden. From some of those pages I will give an excerpt, in hopes of sharing the details of such a simple, unlikely and epic character who gives reality such inspiration.

Waterhouse

"Anybody may blame me who likes, when I add further, that, now and then, when I took a walk by myself in the grounds; when I went down to the gates and looked through them along the road; ... I climbed the three staircases, raised the trap-door of the attic, and having reached the leads, looked out afar over sequestered field and hill, and along dim sky-line -- that then I longed for a power of vision which might overpass that limit; which might reach the busy world, towns, regions full of life I had heard of but never seen; that then I desired more of practical experience than I possessed; more of intercourse with my kind, of acquaintance with variety of character, than was here within my reach. I valued what was good in Mrs. Fairfax and what was good in Adele; but I believed in the existence of other and more vivid kinds of goodness, and what I believed in I wished to behold.

Who blames me? Many, no doubt; and I shall be called discontented. I could not help it: restlessness was in my nature; it agitated me to pain sometimes. Then my sole relief was to walk along the corridor of the third story, backwards and forwards, safe in the silence and solitude of the spot, and allow my mind's eye to dwell on whatever bright visions rose before it-and, certainly, they were many and glowing; to let my heart be heaved by the exultant movement, which, while it swelled it in trouble, expanded it with life; and, best of all, to open my inward ear to a tale that was never ended -a tale my imagination created, and narrated continuously; quickened with all of incident, life, fire, feeling, that I desired and had not in my actual existence.

It is in vain to say human beings ought to be satisfied with tranquillity: they must have action; and they will make it if they cannot find it. Millions are condemned to a stiller doom than mine, and millions are in silent revolt against their lot. ... - to slip again over my faculties the viewless fetters of an uniform and too still existence; of an existence whose very privileges of security and ease I was becoming incapable of appreciating. What good it would have done me at that time to have been tossed in the storms of an uncertain struggling life, and to have been taught by rough and bitter experience to long for the calm amidst which I now repined!"

After encountering Mr. Rochester for the first time in the woods...

"I took up my muff and walked on. The incident occurred and was gone for me: it was an incident of no moment, no romance, no interest, in a sense; yet it marked with change one single hour of a monotonous life. My help had been needed and claimed; I had given it: I was pleased to have done something; trivial, transitory though the deed was, it was yet an active thing, and I was weary of an existence all passive. The new face, too, was like a new picture introduced to the gallery of memory; and it was dissimilar to all the others hanging there: firstly, because it was masculine; and, secondly, because it was dark, strong and stern. I had it still before me when I entered Hay, and slipped the letter into the post-office; I saw it as I walked fast down hill all the way home. when I came to the stile, I stopped a minute, looked round and listened, with an idea that  a horse's hoofs might ring on the causeway again, and that a rider in a cloak, and a Gytrash-like Newfoundland dog, might be again apparent: I saw only the hedge and a pollard willow before me, rising up still and straight to meet the moonbeams; I heard only the faintest waft of wind roaming fitful among the trees round Thornfield, a mile distant; and when I glanced down on the direction of the murmur, my eye, traversing the hall-front, caught a light kindling in a window: it reminded me that I was late, and I hurried on."

-exerpt from Chapter 12

Jane Eyre has certainly been my friend these past short weeks and I am sorry that I am not able to journey any further with her. And how could I not! For she addressed me so frequently in the sharing of her heart; "dear reader". How considerate :) But another factor played in me feeling the growth of friendship with my heart and another's, for this book has tied me to its other friends; my grandmother, my mom, Mary and my sisters (even if all of them have not read it I saw some Jane in each of them). I am happy to be able to gush over the well loved paragraphs with these women :).

To my own reader, read this book and join my opinion and the opinion of the women I listed that the book is better than all the movie versions combined.