Monday, August 1, 2011

I went to see Tennessee

Cades Cove, TN
Check it off my list I made it to a new state! Tennessee, you have been visited. I have just returned home from a much needed father's side family reunion and distance has not been kind enough to spare me the slight depression over the week of late night movie viewings and talks being done. I guess life goes on, and no, dear self, the pain of tasting happiness and having to return to monotony is not a good enough excuse to forego the goodness altogether. Pain is good. It's growing. Because the goodness was worth it. I reconnected with some awesome cousins (one a surprise that I last saw about 8 years ago), aunts, uncles and grandparents, visited a cave with an underground lake, went white water river rafting (and didn't fall out, despite the bets that were stacked against me), explored history at Cades Cove, sat frequently on the back porch, saw a couple new movies and laughed and joked every hour I was awake. Oh how good to the soul it was. But as always, reunions tend to be bitter sweet. As my aunts and grandma have wisely stated, "You never have enough to time to say, talk about or express all that you want to." In this particular case I am thankful it was bittersweet because for me it means God came through for me.
He answers. He answers the questions you needed to ask but didn't, and He answers the questions that you rightly asked. Don't let your heart be troubled. Let Him give it peace.
Before Tennessee I had been kept awake for nights with anxiety over the fact that the lack of an "end" in eternity was nerve racking to me. And when eternity is not a safe place for your mind to dwell than here on earth is shaken at the core. But my God said, "Give it to Me. Tell Me what troubles you and ask Me to right it." So I did. I was preparing to go to a family reunion, rather impromptu on my side, and I figured that He could remind me of the longed for "never needing to say goodbye" that I learned after bible school ended. Well, He did it. True, stories do need an end to have a purpose and it's difficult to imagine what happens when strife ends (which makes eternity so foreign), but what He reminded me of is that there are some things that are so sweet, so good, that you never get sick of it. Some things, that if given an end, would crush you. And the only reason that saying goodbye here on earth doesn't crush us is because we have a hope for after and that these earthly goodbyes are only for a time.
 I came home, once more looking forward to eternity and, as my cousin Josiah put it, "the never ending family reunion where we don't have to say goodbye." 

Being oh so cool

A few of the cousins that were there.
Blury I know. But it's a precious moment of our grandparents praying a blessing of spiritual legacy and zeal over their grandchildren (present and absent).

Alright, desert blog. Now it comes to it. Along with you, I have been kept in anticipation about what God will bring for us this fall, and like you my hope for a life being lived fully in that season is ever present. The question about what school to choose has been a catalyst for God's and my relationship, giving me a good kick in the pants to mature at an unbelievable rate and then experience some pains. Here's the thing. Even after months of praying and weeks of fasting, my God did not appear in the way that I wanted Him to. As always, instead of answering the question I asked He has answered the question that I SHOULD have asked. By the end of the couple months of searching I have come to see more of Him and less of what my life would look like. Rightly so. Because I'd rather have knowledge of a God who is an intimate, patient, powerful yet gentle God, eager to draw near and answer and lead, rather than images of my insecure and incompetent self doing something that is worthless on my own strength. The result of such a lesson? I feel myself safely falling in love with Him. I say safe because He is so fulfilling and faithful and I don't have to check with my logic to make sure whether or not it's going to be a "good" thing to let my heart go with Him. Because we all know with Him is where our hearts were created to be. It's proved a blessing and I can't thank Him enough for it for the peace and purpose it gives. He is faithful so in return it is beneficial for us to remain faithful to Him and the prayers that we started to pray. Walk the road with Him and ask to see that road the way He sees it and make Him your purpose, love and reason for living. It leads to epic victory. 

So His leading? I'm happy with it :) I have peace in giving up ultrasound and keeping my attention on becoming an RN. The job, for me, will be the more challenging of the two, but I look forward to my character being pushed to grow and adapt. I am also staying with the school I started out with and this fall will be spent adding a few more pre-reqs to the list so I can get my BSN and not just an Associates at the end of the next 3 years. I'm anxious to get back into studying, I've missed it terribly. I will also look into possibly getting over to Kerala, India this upcoming spring. And also, Lord willing, I hope to see some of my Toth cousins before the year is up to brighten my world of school and work. So that is the plan that is at the mercy of God and His good will. I look forward to adding more adventures, more lessons and more growth this next semester. Taking it a day at a time. And speaking of today, I have to go mail some promised Flaming Hot Limon Cheetos and Fuego Takis to my recently left cousins. So off I must go to create my treasure and send it off.

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