Help

Working at my invisible flawed character cage this past month has been about as productive of a method as this here camel chewing a hole through the fence. Pretty soon you just take to blowing spit bubbles all over it, hoping your apathy will disolve the wire for how tired you are at gnawing with feverish hope. And all the while the tantalizing view of freedom and discovery is held at bay by the all familiar boundaries that were self inflicted.
Now I've had about 10 trantrums this past week, all 10 having been set off by me, because I am so sick of me. So sick to the point that I'm looking on my calender for when I get get away from me and how long I can stay away. I'm starting to think that the only reason I can't get away is because God knows I'd never come back. The line of admitting weakness and self disgust is invisable to me and the journey to see it and learn to feel God's love in times when I don't want to receive it becomes impossible. I can't do it. This is the one trial that I can see, straight away, will only be won by Christ. Why pull from a well that is delusional and empty when I can take from God's? To just let Him talk for once. To stop my ears to my own disappointed chastisement and listen to His great voice instead.
This time I'll keep the post short. Because it's plain and simple. All it is is just to say that I share in my fellow man's ever present struggle to grasp eternity, fulfillment and the feeling of "having arrived." It takes time. But I'm learning that is what makes the change so definite. It was not made on a whim. And it was done right, because Christ led the way.