Friday, June 1, 2012

Solar Eclipse - May 20th

Dear blog,

School has outmatched me, there is nothing fair or efficient about it, but I keep going like Nacho Libre after his dream of becoming a Luchador. Maybe just imagine me in scrubs coming into an operating room instead. I do at least. Cape, wind and stance included.

I still haven't found my promise ring and you may give me and my parents all the respect you have if you knew all the things in this house we dug through meticulously in hopes it was there. All those drains, pipes, vacuum bags and old trash bags have taught me there is nothing too gross I can't and won't go through if the reward is precious.
I want to move out and be completely independent. And in my desire my family rallied together around me and helped set up a budget for me to see if it were possible. It's not. But now that I know what to chase after I guess I'll start sprinting. I'm trying very hard. I told Jamie that the next time I saw her I'd have my life in order... it's getting pretty close to it. It's quite a different picture from the one of the camel chewing on its fence. And even though it's been tough the road keeps moving and I'm savoring that movement.

I had written about adrenaline a couple months back and my craving for it in a season of stuck, bored and paralyzed. I will revisit its source of fear and the desire to get over it. But now I see there are so many faces to this demon and am now craving peace, quiet and assurance. I don't want to jump off a cliff. I want to be under an open sky and surrounded by mountains or redwoods that prove that there are bigger things than my tiny little distressed world and its failures. A place where I'm safe under God's omnipotence and awesomeness that shrinks my fear into the tiny, insignificant and powerless stature that it truly is. I want to breathe and let my mind simply stop for a while. There is a mad battle going on in there that will burn itself out if it doesn't stop to rejuvenate.

Solar eclipse behind one of my favorite flowers (Mexican Bird of Paradise)

Everything is so new. I feel so eerily new. I feel scared for the new potential God is putting in me and I'm so tempted to shrink into old handicaps for how familiar they have been to me. But like Bilbo, I've already left the Shire, and so cannot draw from the old comforts of my hobbit hole. 

On an awesome note - I'm half way through the Two Towers :) Can't you tell?

Super Moons and Solar Eclipses? I feel like I'm living in a fantasy sci-fi novel. There is nothing passive or earthly about it. 

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