2017

(written long ago. applicable still today)

Every year my church dedicates the month of January to a time of fasting.

This comes at a good time for me. Good because I am in no mood to put away the distractions I've deliberately filled my days with. I've come to depend on them far too much. And the idea of a whole month of turning away from them has me less than excited though I know my soul is starving.

So here I am. Evaluating my heart and anxieties and find them screaming in response, "Don't rock the boat!!"


I've noticed a strong response of bitterness when the answer to my supplications comes back, "Wait."


I've been having dreams lately where my lab has not died at all, only been playing outside, too contented to come inside. But when she does, my heart is so complete and full of joy with both her and Mr Eko in my arms. She's back home, and I can once again feel safe with My Constant by my side.


Mr Eko has become the delight of my days and my number one anxiety. How can the world not adore him as much as I do? I can do so much more for him, but my shortcomings of poor time management leave him with limited outlets. But then at night, I find his submissive gaze peering at me down his long nose asking permission, and with it granted he moves to curl his 90+ lb body practically into my lap and falls asleep. Everyone should have a dog that they can love as much as I love mine. It is so very good for the soul. When he sleeps like this next to me, and I'm able to be home, my entire world is satisfied. And I find myself wishing for a storm outside to keep the sun from ever bringing a new day to chase away this contentedness. No world or life outside to disturb us. I and my creature can just stop, and be, and dream.
...and then he wakes up. And even if the world would leave us alone he deliberately pushes me out into it to satisfy his desire for a place to run and be chased.


Where is the relationship with God that I had enjoyed for so many seasons? Where is my hiding place? And if He would grant me my desires now would it bring those seasons back? Would it make it all better?