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Monday, May 21, 2012

To Imagination





To Imagination
: Emily Bronte

When weary with the long day's care,
And earthly change from pain to pain,
And lost and ready to despair,
Thy kind voice calls me back again:
Oh, my true friend! I am not lone,
While thou canst speak with such a tone!

So hopeless is the world without;
The world within I doubly prize;
Thy world, where guile, and hate, and doubt,
And cold suspicion never rise;
Where thou, and I, and Liberty,
Have undisputed sovereignty.

What matters it, that, all around,
Danger, and guilt, and darkness lie,
If but within our bosom's bound
We hold a bright, untroubled sky,
Warm with ten thousand mingled rays
Of suns that know no winter days?

Reason, indeed, may oft complain
For Nature's sad reality,
And tell the suffering heart, how vain
Its cherished dreams must always be;
And Truth may rudely trample down
The flowers of Fancy, newly-blown:

But, thou art ever there, to bring
The hovering vision back, and breathe
New glories o'er the blighted spring,
And call a lovelier Life from Death,
And whisper, with a voice divine,
Of real worlds, as bright as thine. 

I trust not to thy phantom bliss,
Yet, still, in evening's quiet hour,
With never-failing thankfulness,
I welcome thee, Benignant Power;
Sure solacer of human cares,
And sweeter hope, when hope despairs!



Friday, May 4, 2012

Ode to Big Red/Senior Salsa/Big Fuego


Such a sucker.

I walked in to REI over a year ago with the sole intention of "just going to get fitted for a pack for when I can afford one and really need it."
Idiot.
REI is such a trap with its amazing return policy and spirit of adventure that permeates the boredom of every day life in the city. Pictures of accomplished bucket list activities everywhere, survivor tools and gadgets, and gear that looks so cool you find yourself making a mental note to quit school and become a river rafting guide or professional spelunker to attain them. Oh the web of tantalizing possibilities! This is where the spider of poverty is waiting to consume us.
It's no surprise then that I came out with a gloriously colored pack that very day for "just getting fitted". After spending hours with various straps and packs and measurements and trudging up and down the stairs... well, I just couldn't say no. The pack seemed to purchase my freedom and carry all my little future "some day" plans and turned itself into a ticket to make them possible (which it did). Scott had cut me a sweet deal, and I hugged Big Red (and my newly obtained poverty) out the store in the car and all the way home.
Best idiotic purchase I ever made. But because of that day I haven't gone back for myself. I'm afraid I'll walk out with a canoe.


For all the little road trips I used him for I FINALLY got some backpacking out of him with the perfect company. Two of my sisters and I headed to Clear Creek for a little get away with Leslie's granted notion of wearing dresses. Surprisingly comfortable. The Scotsmen are onto something with kilts.





I may find some qualms about this pack in the future, but for now, I am totally in love.
Here's to you, Big Red, and your many names.






Tuesday, May 1, 2012

Earl



Meet my man, Earl. 
I know it's not common knowledge to the public but allow me to make it so. One December afternoon I put his required existence down on my Christmas wish list and thanks to my mother's good humor I found him peeking out of my stocking Christmas morn with the most romantic sign. He stands sentinel on my shelf alongside The Lord of the Rings, with his hip 1970's attire (thanks to mom). He's apparently pretty funny aaaaand he's rich. Heck if I see any of that money though since I'm pretty much broke. I also haven't made it to India and three jobs is a far cry from "never have to work." Boy my annoyance was growing over my disappointment. But then I found him in some old family photos and was tickled pink over how good of a sport he really is.

This was his first day in the family. It was a bit rough for him since my nephew openly rejected his existance as a legitimate uncle despite his own father's assurance and that of my own. That's a lot of pressure for such a little guy.
"Liam, meet your Uncle Earl!"
"...This is a joke right?"
"Why would I joke about this."

 But it's all good now and though it may have taken a while the added years have made him so much a part of the family that you can't even tell he once didn't fit in.


He's so good about looking at the camera. Sets an example for all the rest of us. 


Keep it up, Earl!!





Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Living Bridge






The world is full of so many ethereal things.
Science IS magic. So scientists are fairies?

Amy Excerpt

Excerpt from Amy Carmichael's devotional

Echo Canyon

"March 27
               
                  Clouds


  'This evening the clouds lay low on the mountains, so that sometimes we could hardly see them, and sometimes the stars were nearly all covered. But always, just when it seemed as though the mountains were going to be quite lost in the mist, the higher peaks pushed out, and whereas the dimmer stars were veiled, the brighter ones shone through. Even supposing the clouds had wholly covered the face of the mountains, and not a star had shone through the pile-up masses, the mountains would still have stood steadfast, and the stars would not have ceased to shine.
  I though of this and found if very comforting, simple as it is. Our feelings do not affect God's facts. They may blow up like clouds and cover the eternal things that we do most truly believe. We may not see the shining of the promises, but still they shine; and the strength of the hills that is His also, is not for one moment less because of our human weakness.
  Heaven is no dream. Feelings go and come like clouds, but the hills and the stars abide.'"




Bobby's Rock


The Monk and Orion at Echo Canyon




Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Adrenaline

Tonight I mull over my brother's words.
"Everyone is scared of something, Arica, and we all have to face it. Make sure you face your fear and work it out with God."

When I was in Hawaii at the beginning of March I found that the essence of escape wasn't elating me. Apparently it was a prime scenario for me to be taken away from every distraction and when left with no other option I allowed myself to dive into a depth with God that I had apparently been avoiding.
God, despite me holding Him at arms length, was pursuing my deeper trust.
"Why are you so distressed? Don't you trust Me?"
"Honestly? At this level? No, not really lately."
"I see. So give Me what you're withholding from Me."
"More?"
"Yes. Let me take care of your life, your worries, your plans, your heart... your dreams. Give Me your love again."
Oh man, He was prodding at those sensitive issues.
"Seriously, God? You aren't going to convince me first?"
"I already have. And, Arica?"
"Yeah?"
"You can enjoy Me now, more than you ever have before. I will give you peace."

I am not a crier. I simply don't enjoy emotions being able to contort my face and bring on what feels like a full blown sinus infection. But last week has turned me into a lenient faucet as I watched God parade His testimony in Jamie's life, all the way to the altar as she got married to Sam, another amazing testimony, formed from His hand. If you could learn anything from their marriage it was that God is good and trustworthy. But all the while I kept worrying what would come next in my own life. Not because of any red flags, but simply because I was giving up on formulating life (because I suck at it). The week of meeting new people and laughing with new friends felt like Bodenseehof all over again and I knew, from hard learned lessons, that that wasn't a place that we could camp in. It was a pocket, a pocket of eternity, not a destination.
Because of the wedding life was so full and in the few moments I had when I was at home to switch out clothes and whatever else I needed I would catch glimpses of a sleeping waiting fear. I feared the flat after it would all be over and everyone would leave. I feared the life I'd have to face that I still had not got in order and all the growing up I had yet to do.
It was simply this. Was God being a tease... or was He going to be faithful?
At the end of it all, Jamie and Sam were married, everyone went home, and I experienced the full effect of not having really slept for nearly 3 weeks. This sleep deprivation came in handy for a good cry and my mom came in handy when she saw it coming from a mile away. She knows me so well. Between my toothbrush and tears she got every little confession of all my stupid little fears. Fear of disappointment, disappointing, my dreams forever beyond my reach, left behind, loss, inadequacy, stupidity, little, not capable of growing up... ah you name it and it was bubbling over. But the desire to feel your soul on fire, your heart healthy and alive, and your dearest dreams come true is a desire that I don't think it was ever in God's plan to have His children give up. Mom affirmed this and in the span of 15 minutes was able to enforce a fortress of truth that I couldn't build at the end of the month on my own. Since putting up no fight with her encouragement I soaked it in like a sponge and slept deeper than I had in weeks.
God was refining something, very patiently.



The next day when I was nannying a single quote from a movie stuck to my mind like a fly trap. "Never have I felt so alive, than when I was so close to death."
I don't know what it was but I attached myself to that concept knowing that that was exactly what I wanted. I wanted to feel alive in the midst of emotional death.
There is the safe life. The life that takes no risks, never goes river rafting, or climbs heights or enjoys getting lost to let adventures happen. And there is another safe life. The kind that hides in emotional fear. That keeps bold requests from God for fear that He won't supply. A safe life that hides from pain because the emotion is too strong or from a question for fear it can't be answered. So if there's a conquering rush from the obvious adventure in life of overcoming vertigo or the ocean, then isn't there also a rush that eclipses spiritual fear? There has to be life in the midst of the battle. And not just in the midst of it but life exemplified for what you are clinging to. I'm tired of the cowardice and I'm sick of watching years go by in an emotional bubble. Because I think there is a difference in joy from being fed with a received blessing and then conquering a stronghold and winning freedom.
Queue Leslie :) My absolute favorite person to dive that deep into a thought with for her ability to bring to light a solid tangible answer.
How can you feel alive when paralyzing fear, disappointment and emotional grief threaten hope? Where is the "alive" factor when you feel stuck and flat? The feeling of having cheated fear when you need it? So simple: Trust. Shut your ears to the discouragement, the worry, the possible disappointment and just jump into God's truth. Upon hearing her say it my heart skipped like I was looking over a cliff with a parachute strapped to my back. Peter Reid once said, "In order to trust God you have to know the God you are trusting." When you've been listening to nothing but enslaving lies you loose sight of who God is, and that leap of trust seems to test every fiber of your brave little heart. To give Him all control and pour my hope and dreams into Him without reservation, I'm ashamed to say, scared the crap out of me. But then you do, and the sudden freedom in your heart that floods in and the safety you realize that He is and always was is an exhilirating truth that you want to test over and over again just for the feeling of flight with God.

Most times I feel out of place for how theatrical the world appears to me, but then I see God pursue this and am floored at how incredibly epic He is. He had told me to trust Him and confirmed it through others like Jayne, mom, Leslie and Zander. This isn't exactly a comfort after the storm but a sure feeling that something is coming. As Gandalf says, "It's the deep breath before the plunge." The moment when you've reached the top, let go of the wall, and lean back, placing all your hope and existence on a rope to let you return. He calls us out with a spirit of a warrior in our safe suburban lives in a way that tells us that there is something going on on His time table that we just aren't seeing.
It excites my soul!


Kathryn had given me this song right before I left for Hawaii and it basically is a recording of all that God has told me this month. May the Lord bless her for it, she doesn't know how priceless it has been.


I have no conclusion, only my God's promises continually calling as a challenge to no longer heed the voice of fear... and to enjoy Him. :)






Tuesday, March 27, 2012

Not Okay


My ego took a good unneeded hit recently and I find myself struggling to stick it out till the emotion passes and I grow more confident from it. It's always the same. Either run and hide and watch my life become empty, or relish the growth and be better and sweeter for it. It's a tiny block from the iceberg that will surface on here but the song that fed my heart today for comfort has fed it before and I'd like to keep it here in my archive.