Monday, May 30, 2011

Choices


It was gorgeous yesterday (in the high 80's and oh so windy) so I took it upon myself to clear my head for that day, dragging my poor geriatric dog along. We walked, she panted like the 12 year old dog she is, and I maniacally waved my arms around in frustrated mannerisms as I talked to her, myself and God about my current decision dilemma (I figured the weather would be more distracting than my crazy appearance to onlookers). 

My dilemma? 
I am seeking and craving this road that the picture produces for my life. I want a single interesting road leading into obvious adventure. Even though I can't see what lies over those mountains I'll at least know that following this singular road will take me into new and exciting places that were just waiting for me (as those monsoon clouds are telling the viewer). But ah!! Alas!! What a pickle I am in! For I am NOT looking at this road! I am looking at a fork in the road who's directions lead into areas that both require immense sacrifice. That would all be very well, I'd brave it like a good soldier (only God knows if that's accurate), if I only knew which one God's visible hand would be slipping in from my peripheral vision to point out. I keep waiting for, "This one, dear child. This is the road I will lead you down." 

But leave it to my God and our relationship for Him to place an underlying lesson for me to learn in the process. I just want to know which path. He just wants me to know Him. So there we are...sitting in our secret place facing each other... Him patiently showing me what He wants for me... me frustrated that He's not showing me what I want for me. 


Drive to Coon Creek

If you don't already know (I've vented to many), my road choices are either nursing school or ultrasound technician school. I won't get into the particulars of the choices to paint what a frustrating and tough predicament this is, for, as I have recently concluded, those particulars can't play a part in the decision making anymore.

I've weighed and debated...I've debated and weighed....I came to a conclusion, looked at that path and thought, "Yeah. This one looks good." But always there lingers the doubt of being wrong and keeping that other option in my back pocket just in case. Well then a new discovery in that other plan will lead me to abandon my first road and look at the back pocket one and say, "No wait. Yeah. THIS one looks better." And thus the two options are traded between the one in my view and the one in my back pocket. Needless to say I get so frustrated that they both go to a back pocket and the road I seem to have chosen is one of frustrating insecure choices...a never ending circle that is looking more and more painfully familiar.

So my slow learned/learning epiphany? ...
I can't leave this painful road on my own. My logic, though Lord knows I try, cannot see the future, cannot see what choice will better equip me for the unforseeable. So all I'm left to do is listen so intently for the leading of the Holy Spirit, which, I'm currently reading, can be as powerful and evident in my life today as it was for the disciples in the early church. What does His leading feel like in situations like these? I have no idea. My eyes stopped at the beginning of Acts when the disciples prayed and then cast lots to determine Judas' replacement. "Hmmm...,"I thought. "Casting lots. Well it's in the new testament so perhaps it will work." Well Millie and I had come to discover that this was BEFORE the Holy Spirit came. Rats. My desperate attempt went out the window before I could even assign Millie to "Ultrasound" and me to "Nursing" to cast our little lots. "No, Arica I don't think that idea will work."
Good thing the Holy Spirit's arrival is the next chapter after the lot casting, or else I would have put serious consideration into that desperate attempt.

*sigh*  I am no mountain mover. I am no pursuer. But I don't think any profession fits that resume except for the person who didn't get any degree and is being taken care of as a hospital patient (who's illness is putzy failure) by people who's professions are either nurse or ultrasound tech. As good as I would be at that there is no money making in the "hospital patient" business.

So I know that the picture that God is showing me includes me becoming a mountain mover and a committed pursuer. Which road will that new character take me down? I guess you'll have to wait till fall to find out. Because I'm also guessing it is going to take me that long to decide...
Lord, help me.



“The Road goes ever on and on down from the door where it began.

 Now far ahead the Road has gone, and I must follow, if I can, 

 Pursuing it with eager feet, until it joins some larger way 

 Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say.”


-J.R.R Tolkien





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